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Top 10 Doomed Celebrity Relationships
By Rob Paul

My friends say I'm pretty hard on films. True. But that's nothing when it comes to celebrity relationships. A celebrity marriage should be measured in dog years for all the crap the couple has to put up with. 1 year of marriage between two celeb's with the working on opposite sides of the globe, dealing with the gossip columns, the paparazzi is enough to drive anyone insane. So when a couple like Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, or Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell lasts as long as they have, that's a Lifetime Achievement award in the making. (Notice that both of these couples haven't 'technically' married one another...interesting huh?).

Jennifer Lopez
Jennifer Lopez
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Number 1 with a bullet. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Go ahead, be a sap, play the romantic and think lifelong hand holding of Hollywood's latest King and Queen. Simply put, it ain't gonna last. Go ahead, rant and rave at me all you want. This was a doomed relationship from the beginning. J. Lo leaves men in the dust where and when she wants and with two marriages lasting a total of 2 years one could say she isn't exactly marriage material. End Result: These two don't even make it to the altar.

Ashton Kutcher
Ashton Kutcher
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#2. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher: He's the big time now, at the time of this writing he has two films slated for release, one in post-production, another in pre-production and two more signed for in the works. She's just getting back onto the big screen in the action film Charlie's Angels - Full Throttle which is probably what Bruce Willis will do to Kutcher when he runs off clubbing with his latest hottie co-star. End Result: Lots of Headlines for Moore and Kutcher - Filler for their scrapbooks. 6 Months at the most.

Cameron Diaz
Cameron Diaz
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#3. Another power couple! Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake: You can hear the skidding tires from here. This is a car crash. It's bad enough when movie stars date one another but the real mess is when celebrities cross-breed and here we have musician and movie star making waves. If you really want to have fun with this couple, picture how vacant looking their off-spring will be. End Result: 1 year.

Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson
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#4. Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson: Another cross media mistake! What I don't understand is Kate, being given the recipe for a successful relationship by Goldie and Kurt deliberately walks the razor-edge of divorce. However, she did marry the rocker back on December 31, 2000 and with a baby expected in 2004, I am gonna give this couple the full time limit here of another 5 years! That's pretty generous and in celebrity marriages that's a lifetime and a reincarnation.

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#5. Madonna and Guy Ritchie: Guy Ritchie was on a roll, he had Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels put him on the map, he had Snatch reaffirm his talent. Madonna...well, Madonna is Madonna, unlucky at love and film but always a success in the music industry. Guess what? Her latest album is Madonna's standards and Guy Ritchie made the god awful Swept Away starring...uh, his movie-challenged wife. End Result: 2 Years as they both look to launch a success that will overshadow the previous mess and once they have done this, splitsville.

Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sarah Michelle Gellar
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#6. Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Junior: Honestly, how are these two still married? They married September 1, 2002 and are still together. Now I realize that isn't even a year yet, but in my mind I gave them the 3 to 6 month oxygen supply. Having to reassess my guess now, I am going with, once these two finish shooting and promoting Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed, they call it quits.

Harrison Ford
Harrison Ford
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#7. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart: Why? How? Sigh.
Indiana Jones meets Ally McBeal is no way for Harrison Ford to go out. He needs to ditch his manager, his girlfriend, and his agent and look at life through new eyes if he wants to get back on top. As for Calista, I am sure she is very nice, and does eat, etc...but the truth is I don't care and she can't really act. So...I don't even see this one hitting the altar. End Result: A Year to a year and a half from the divorce of his previous wife Melissa Mathison (March 23, 2003).

Reese Witherspoon
Reese Witherspoon
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#8. Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe: Aside from his pout, Phillippe exercises no acting talent what-so-ever while Reese seems to continually set new heights with her Legally Blonde success, and her knack for projects that hit her range like The Importance of Being Earnest and Election. They married on June 5, 1999 have one child with another on the way. My guess is three years factoring in the children and with Reese's ever growing position of power in Hollywood and Phillippe's career stand-still. Unless of course Phillippe doesn't mind being overshadowed and then I increase the number up to a full five years. They have already shocked me with the longevity exhibited thus far.

Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise
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#9. Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz: This should be interesting. I expect when this dissolves it will be a spectacular display of fireworks from Cruz while Cruise insists in the press that they are still friends. With two marriages to Cruise's credit (Mimi Rogers (9 May 1987 - 1990) & Nicole Kidman (24 December 1990 - 8 August 2001)) and having been with Penelope since 2001, this one has about a 6 to 10 month shelf life still.

Salma Hayek
Salma Hayek
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#10. Salma Hayek and Ed Norton: I didn't actually want to add this one...I thought these two make a great Hollywood power couple. Both solid talents, interesting, unique and with some non-traditional outlooks. However, there have been rumors buzzing and so...they sneak into the top ten.

Kirsten Dunst
Kirsten Dunst
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#11. And the rest:
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and John Stamos - One career goes up, the other goes down, usually horribly! Plus, the hyphen there...always an interesting point.

Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal - Two majorly rising stars...something's got to give.

Julia Roberts and Cameraman Danny Moder - Not sure on this...might last for awhile. The cameraman mix is an intriguing one.

Liv Tyler and Royston Langdon (married: March 25, 2003) - Reason for failure: Music (Royston is from the band Space Hog) and Movie mix.

Leonardo Di Caprio and Model Giselle: Hell, these two break it off so often I'm not even sure if they are together anymore.

Billy Bob Thornton and (fill in the blank): This guy is a mess and it was just as well Jolie broke up with the man. As an actor and writer he is a great talent but as marriage material pardon me if I say...count 'em, 5 marriages and go for Elizabeth Taylor's crown! For the record she had 8 so he better get a move on!

Copyright© 2003
Copyright© Staffwriter: Rob Paul

Evil Ash

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